


Of Course I Need You

by irmo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Angst with a Happy Ending, CASTIEL DESERVES BETTER, Dean is sad, Hurt feelings, M/M, No drugs though, Sad Castiel, hurtful words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 08:12:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14351472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irmo/pseuds/irmo
Summary: Cas and Dean live at Camp Chitaqua trying to create a new life after the apocalypse. After an evening of drinking Dean says some horrible things to Cas which ends with Can leaving because he thinks Dean is better off without him. They spend some time apart and when they meet again things are not the same.





	Of Course I Need You

There was a road filled with rusting cars, many of which had their doors open as if the passengers had been in such a hurry to leave they had not had the time to close the doors as they excited their vehicles. The cars were parked, or abandoned is a more suitable word, all over the road and in the grass by the side, blocking most of the space. Between them the former passengers were walking. But these were not the same passengers that had once exited their car, these once human creatures lacked anything that had once made them someone. Their pasts and future, their memories, their thoughts and hopes and dreams, all gone. Now all that mattered where the instances when a still human being came into sight. After the road was crossed, there was a forest. It was green and lush, with the wind rustling the leafs. It was calm and peaceful, if one did not notice the slow walking creatures who roamed below the treetops. In this forest there were many small roads, going in all different directions. If you chose to follow one, you would eventually end up in a big city, while another led you to the sea. A third ended in nothing. One of these many roads seemed more used than the others, with tire tracks all over. This road ended with a big gate and a sign with the text "Camp Chitaqua".

The gate was a sturdy metal one with spikes on top, connected to a fence of sheet metal and iron. When you got behind the gate there was a jumble of activity to be seen. People scurrying from one place to another, cabins scattered in all directions, smoke and the smell of food drifting in the wind, the sound of chatter carrying from several groups of humans working on various tasks. One of the humans walking across the area was a tall woman with her eyes set on one of the cabins. When she entered she was greeted by the view of several backs leaning over the map spread out on the table in the middle of the only room. Two men and two women were discussion what seemed to be safety precautions, one woman pointing to the wall on the eastern side of the fenced in area.

"This side of the wall needs to be reinforces, the strong winds yesterday wasn´t kind to the weaker beams. Should take about four of us and a day or so to fix it." One of the men wrote something down on the piece of paper he held.

"What kind of material is needed, Sherri?"

The woman looked up, "At least two new beams, the rest we can figure out how to patch together." He nodded and continued to scribble down notes. The other man looked up and noticed the new arrival.

"Kate, good to see you. Any news?" Kate turned around to close the door, and then came forward, "The lookout has seen them, should be here in no less than fifteen minutes."

"Ahh, that is good news. We were all getting a bit nervous. Let´s continue this until they arrive, and then we are done for the day." As Kate left again the smaller one of the women stepped back from the table and looked at the clock.

"Luke really wanted to greet Kim by the gate, he should be home by now, I´ll go get him before they come. Alright, Cas?"

The man looked up from the map once more, "Of course Lilja, you go ahead." He watched her walk out.

"I don´t think it´s only Luke who wants to welcome his dad home", said Sherri, winking at Cas. He just smiled and then turned to the note taker.

"Salim, do we have the necessary material for the fence, or do we need to acquire some?"

Salim looked down at his notes again and chewed his pen, "We should be good, but after this we need to add a bunch of stuff to the list of things we need." The trio finished a while later and stepped out of the cabin just as the sound of tires on gravel could be heard. As the gate opened, five big trucks came driving in, followed by a cloud of dust from the road. Most of the camp had gathered to greet the returners home, many stood with their necks stretched to catch a glimpse of those who were returning, and those who were not. In this new world there were never any guarantees that everyone would return safely. The returners, both men and women, started jumping out of the trucks and waved to their friends and family before turning to the back of the trucks to start unloading the reason they left. People came forward to help and slowly crates containing food, clothes and anything else deemed worthy of collecting were carried to be divided among the inhabitants of the camp, or to be stored for future use.Cas walked towards the truck that had first driven through the gate, approaching the man who stood by one of the front wheels. The man had just handed a list of too Salim, and accepted a bottle of water from a passerby. He focused on Cas as he came closer.

"Cas."

"Hello, Dean. All good?"

Dean turned towards the activity surrounding the crates, "We all came back alive, which is a win. But we barely managed to fill half the crates, even though we drove further than we have before. Which means we have to leave again soon, or figure out some new way to get more food." He looked towards Cas again, who noticed the tired lines around Dean´s eyes.

"I have been thinking about this problem, and have some ideas. But we can talk about that later, you go get a shower and some rest." Dean gave him a grateful smile and walked by, grasping Cas´ shoulder as he did. Cas watched him walk away and then walked forward, helping with the crates.

 

                                                                                                       **********************************

 

After a few tumultuous years on the road, during which time they lost Bobby, Dean and Cas, together with the small group they traveled with, had arrived at Camp Chitaqua, an abandoned camping village. Deciding this place was as good as any to try and settle down, they had begun construction on the fence. The work was slow, in part because most of them had to protect the builders from croats. Slowly but surely more and more people found their way to the camp, making the process of building a safe home easier. The arrival of Sherri meant someone who had much needed previous experience in building and the fence took shape under her capable hands.

As their group grew and turned into a community, the need for more organization arouse. Dean, who had been their somewhat unofficial leader, became their official leader. But mostly the camp was run smoothly, everyone doing their job and helping when needed, different tasks assigned to different people. Cas, who had millennia of combat experience, was responsible for the safety of the camp, together with a couple others. Making sure they had guards and lookouts in position, checking with Sherri that the fence was in shape, etc.

Now, at least five-six years since they found the camp, things had somewhat settled, as much as things could in a post-apocalyptic world. People had homes, food in their bellies, the children even had school a few hours a day, and two years ago they had begun planting a small garden that gave some fresh extra ingredients to the menu. Lately, even the number of Croats seemed to have increased. From being surrounded by them constantly, now there were only a few sightings once every few weeks. And Cas, the angel-who-wasn´t-really-an-angel-anymore-but-not-quite-human-either, could often sense when a croat came close to the fence and make sure it was taken care of. It was a life far better than they had imagined being able to achieve again, but it could never be the same as before either. Everyone had lost someone, and everyone had been affected by what they had seen and experienced from the moment the apocalypse began.

 

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"If we expand the garden outside the fence, and plant such things as potatoes and carrots and other plants, we would not need to scavenge for food so far away." Cas was sitting in Dean´s cabin, looking at the former hunter, "There has not been a sighting of croats in many weeks now, and doing this would solve our food problem. We could also try and start a proper farm, you told me you have seen both pigs and sheep not far from here, if we catch them and keep them here we could get meat that way. But in order to do that we need to either expand the fence a lot, or dare work outside it more."

Dean dragged a hand across his face, "I have been thinking about the same thing. It should work, there has been no problem growing the few things we have tried. Catching the pigs would be a bit of a bitch because they´ve gotten wild, but I´m sure we can work something out. But Cas, I am not sure about having people work outside the fence, if they get hurt or killed…"

"Dean, I know it's a risk. But if you don't have to leave to find food, there will be more of us to keep the camp and everyone safe." Dean nodded slowly, seeming lost in thought. It was a risk in more than one way, it was the risk of believing that the world was finally a tad safer, daring to hope.

Eventually they decided to risk it. Instead of extending the fence, with materials they didn´t have, they created a new gate close to the existing garden so people quickly could get inside if need be. Outside the new gate they started extending the garden, planting the seeds they had found in a previous scavenge. They also build animal enclosures close to the fence. Catching the animals took its time, but eventually they had several pigs, sheep and even some hens. A couple of months later, it was all up and running, a promise of a more stable future. People were happy, as happy as they could be, and proud of what they had created.

Cas looked around and as many times before he was astounded over how persistent and tough humans were. They managed to somehow face each and every obstacle put in their way, one way or another. He was walking towards Dean´s cabin, checking in on his friend. As life got better in the camp, Dean got worse. When everyday had been about survival he had been in his element, doing what needed to be done, weather it was finding food, killing croats or making sure everyone did their part. But now, with enough food that made the need for scavenging rare, organization in place that run smoothly, and barely any croats for months, he had "too much time to think", as he had once put it to Cas while finishing the last gulp of whiskey for the evening. Thinking about the world, how he felt he had failed it, and worst of all…. how he had failed Sam.

Sam, who had said yes to the devil, who had then killed Michael and brought forward the apocalypse. And then, when everyone waited for what nightmares would come next, Lucifer just left, in Sam´s body. It seemed as if when he had brought hell to earth, he was satisfied and with his mission accomplished, he returned to heaven. What he did there they did not know. Heaven, and all its angels, had been closed since then. Well, almost all the angels. There was one left. Cas stayed. Of course he stayed with Dean, he had not even considered any other option. Now, he was no longer an angel, but not fully human either.

As Cas entered Dean´s cabin, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of alcohol. Dean still did his job as leader of the camp, but when night fell and things slowed down he retreated to his cabin, often with a bottle. Cas had started to keep him company, trying to cheer him up, but more often than not it did not work. Sometimes it did, he told Dean stories of the earth before humans, and of people he had met over the years, many of whom had ended up in the history books. But this week it was worse than usual, it was around this time of year all those years before that Sam had said yes. They never talked about him, Dean shutting down whenever Cas tried, but he was still present in their unspoken words. He saw Dean sitting on the brown couch, staring empty ahead.

"Hello, Dean. How are you?" Dean just grunted in response. Cas sat down on the chair opposite the couch, a seat he almost started considering his because of how often he used it, "I just talked to Lui, he said one of the pigs had seemed not well, but it turned out he had just eaten something bad and was now feeling better." Dean did not answer, just took another sip from the bottle in his hands.

"I remember the first tries of humans to domesticate the wild boars, it could be very humorous to witness." Dean looked up and Cas hoped today was one of the days that maybe he could manage to help Dean think of something else than the many failures Dean saw himself being the cause of. But in Dean´s eyes there were no signs of peaked interest, instead there was the beginning of a scowl on his face.

"What is it Dean?"

"What is it? Well, for starters, when did we start worrying about sick pigs? Since when is that part of what I do? I´m a hunter, but I haven't hunted in years. So what am I doing instead? Looking after pigs and making sure people have enough food and clothes and toilet paper."

Cas had not heard Dean complain about his role in their present life, and was not sure what it was Dean wanted to hear from him, "Dean, you are our leader. All that you do, from the small things to the lifesaving ones, have helped so many people. They look up to you and are so grateful for what you have done."

Dean abruptly stood up from the couch, "I didn´t ask for this. All I wanted was to fight monsters with… with my brother. Not this. Especially not when I can´t stop thinking about him not being here." Dean was shouting now, "Who decided it was a good plan to have him being the devils costume, while I am wasting away here trying to take care of this place. If they wanted an apocalypse, why could it not have been done properly so we don't have to suffer here for the rest of our lives?! End of the world is supposed to mean the end, not ops, I guess you have to keep on living after the end, too bad for you. With the memories of how it used to be, and knowing you can never get that back!"

Cas stood up as well, searching for words to soothe this friend, "Dean, I know it´s unfair. I know you are hurting. But life is not all bad, we have created something here that we can be proud of. Lucifer wanted the end of the world, but we all showed him wrong. I know you miss Sam, but I know he would be so happy to see all that you and we have accomplished."

But it seemed like Dean was not listening, it was as if he finally reached a point and just needed to get it all out, "How would you know, he isn´t here, is he, so he can´t have an opinion on anything!"

Dean took a breath and then a sneer showed up on his face, "And when you say we, Cas, do you count yourself in there? Are you one of us humans now?"

Cas was not sure why there was a turn of topic, why Dean had turned to being angry at him. "Dean, I…Yes, I guess so. I feel more connected to humans than I ever did the angels."

Dean looked at him, still with that expression on his face, "Not hard, considering all angels are dicks." He took another gulp of the strong drink, "Still don´t get why you are here. Why stay? There´s nothing for you here."

Cas took a step forward, "I stayed for you, Dean. I stayed to help you."

"I needed your help to stop the apocalypse! To save Sam! But you failed, and I failed, and he… I never said I needed your help after that."

"Dean, you know I tried to… I never meant for this to happen, I did what I could…"

"Well, it wasn´t good enough! And now, every time I see you, it makes me remember once again that we failed and I lost everything."

Cas felt like he had been punched, Dean´s words hitting him. "Dean, I´m sorry, I… what do you need then?"

Dean looked at him with a scornful expression, "Just leave. Stop reminding me of the past. I don´t need you." He sat down heavily in the couch again and drank the rest of the bottle. Cas just looked at him, not feeling anything, waiting for Dean to say something or look at him, but Dean never did. So, Cas turned and walked out the door.

What was he supposed to do? He walked in a daze to his own cabin, sitting down on his bed as soon as he came inside. Dean´s words kept being repeated in his head over and over again. " _I don´t need you. I don´t need you. Just leave_." He knew Dean was drunk and probably would not have said those things if he had been sober. But that did not make the words any more untrue. If that was how Dean really felt… Cas was the only one still around from that time, it would not be unbelievable that his presence did affect Dean that way. He thought the fact that he stayed had helped Dean, but maybe it was the other way around. Could he be the reason, or at least a part of it, that Dean seemed almost depressed, unable to let the past go?

Cas looked around his cabin, the place that had become his home for the last couple of years, a place where he had actually felt like he belonged and had a purpose again. A place by Dean´s side. He liked it, he wanted to be here. But could his own selfish reasons top the need of Dean´s, a man who had given everything already? " _Just leave_."

Cas looked down on his hands, took a deep breath and made a decision. With a nod he got up and started packing his belongings. Some clothes, his angel blade. Quietly he pulled on his jacket and walked out the door. Outside it was still, most people already sleeping. He walked by the food cabin, taking a little bit of food that would not perish quickly. He walked to the gate by the garden, being careful as to not be seen by the night lookout. He knew that if anyone saw him they would try and stop him, not understanding why he needed to leave. He knew the camp would be fine, the security was better than ever before and they had managed to meet all their needs. He wasn´t actually needed here, and if his departure would help Dean, then that was what he needed to do. " _I don´t need you_." Without being seen he made it through the gate and into the waiting forest. When he hit the road, he looked right and left before deciding that left seemed like a good direction as any, and he continued walking.

 

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Dean woke up with a terrible headache. He felt like someone was playing drums in his head. With a groan he sat up, looking around. He had been sleeping on his couch, with empty bottles on the floor. With a sigh he put his head in his hands, cursing himself. This had started to happen a bit too often now he knew. He slowly stood up, collected the bottles and placed them behind the couch, out of sight. He looked down at his clothes, deemed them okay and walked out. By his cabin there was a big barrel with collected rain water, he splashed some on his face and after felt a little bit better, but his head still ached. Sadly they could not afford to spend any pain killers on such petty things as a headache, not when something worse could happen and their supply was not infinite.

He dragged his hands though his hair with some more water before walking over to get some breakfast. On the way he met Kate who looked confused.

"Dean, have you seen Cas? I´ve looked everywhere but I can´t find him." Dean suddenly felt a little uneasy, not knowing why.

"No, haven´t seen him since dinner yesterday." He felt his head throb. "No, wait. I saw him last night. He came by. But haven´t seen him since then."

Kate nodded, "Well, if you see him can you tell him to come find me? I need to check something with him."

Dean watched Kate walk of before he continued his way towards the food cabin. The uneasy feeling just didn´t want to leave him. Had he talked to Cas last night? The memories were clouded in alcohol. Just when he felt the smell of breakfast, he turned and headed to Cas´ cabin instead. As he walked up the steps he called Cas´ name, not receiving any reply he went in. He had not been inside Cas´ cabin much, Cas usually came to him. It looked like most of the cabins did, but maybe a bit cleaner. It took just a second to see that Cas wasn´t there, but Dean called his name again. Silence. As Dean looked around a bit more, it struck him that the place seemed too clean. Not clothes anywhere. As the uneasy feeling grew, Dean tried to remember the night before. Had Cas said anything about what he planned to do today? Since Dean had often had this exact scenario happen before, not remembering something due to booze, he knew the best way was to start from a point he remembered and slowly try and think what happened after. He remembered sitting on his couch, looking at the bottle before finally uncapping it and taking a deep gulp. He had been sad, but also angry, feeling like the world was more unjust than usual. Cas had walked in, as he did most evenings. Dean knew he just wanted to help make him feel better, but Dean just wanted to be allowed to wallow in self-pity for a while. But Cas had not deserved his anger. What had he shouted?

With a gasp he remembered. " _Just leave. I don´t need you. Every time I see you, it makes me remember once again that we failed and I lost everything. Stop reminding me of the past. Just leave_." He had said that. To Cas. Cas, who always did everything he could to help. Who was the only one Dean had left. He had told Cas he did not want him there. But surely Cas wouldn´t take that as leaving the camp? Surely he must have understood that in his drunken state Dean had said some things he did not mean?

With panic Dean ran out of the cabin, asking everyone he met if they had seen Cas. No one had. He wasn´t anywhere were he usually was. Dean ran back to Cas´ cabin, and now took a proper look. There were no clothes to be found at all. And Cas´ angel blade, which he more and more often left in the cabin, wasn´t there either.

"No, no, no, no." Dean rushed out once again, running towards the gate. "Open it, open!", he shouted to the guards. They opened the gate as he jumped into a parked car, driving through the gate with gravel spraying from the tires. He drove down the small road and did not let up on the gas until he came to the main road. There he jumped out at looked in both directions.

"Cas!" No answer. "Cas!" Still silence. Dean looked all around but saw nothing. No one. No Cas with his unruly hair and blue eyes, who could take one look at Dean and just understand him, no words spoken. Dean´s shoulder slumped, "No, No, No. I´m sorry Cas. I did not mean any of it. Of course I didn´t. Please. Of course I need you." But there was no one there to hear his apology, it came too late.

 

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**Six months since leaving camp - Castiel**

Cas looked at the full book case, deciding on what books to bring with him. The thick fantasy novel or the mystery paperback. Finally, he grabbed both. A couple months back he had truly discovered the joys of reading. He had always understood the importance of books, but for their information value and not as a cause of entertainment. As an angel, he would read a book while simultaneously thinking about a dozen other things. Now, as nearly human, he could really sink into the plot and enjoy being transported somewhere else, and be someone else for a while. He could experience the joy of someone´s first love, the loss of a family member, a wild car chase through the streets of New York, how it felt to sit on a dragon´s back in Alagaësia, or learn magic with Harry. The books helped ease the feeling of loneliness he felt creeping upon him more and more often. So now, one of the first things he did when he entered a new house was looking for some new good books. He had learned that the books he liked best were often found in the rooms that once belonged to teenagers. These books where the best when he wanted to simply escape for an hour or two.

With the books under his arm he exited the room and walked out in the living room where he had already left his backpack next to the couch. He placed the books on the floor and then went in search of food. Empty handed he had to return to the couch, reaching for his backpack where he had some Mars bars hidden in an inner pocket, today´s dinner.

The bars had been a gift. A while after he left D… the camp, he had been walking the outskirts of a city, not wanting to enter it completely. He had heard screams and without a second thought started running towards the sound. When he came around the corner of a building he had been faced with three humans fighting five croats. He had quickly thrown his backpack of his shoulder, and with his angel blade in hand he ran towards the people in need. Cas might lack his full angel strength, but he was still someone with years upon years of fight training behind him, which four of the croats got to experience firsthand. The fifth croat was dead as well when he turned around, killed by the others. The humans stared at him before one of them spoke up.

"Thanks, dude. I thought we were toast!". Cas spent the evening with them, but rather quickly decided that these were not people he had any burning desire to spend much time with. They seemed barely functioning, probably because of the drugs Cas could sense in their bloodstream. He said fare well the next morning and got the Mars bars as a thank you, a gesture he appreciated since they did not seem to have much themselves. Since then he had continued walking, stopping once in a while in an abandoned house for some rest and in search of new books and some food.

He was fine, he thought. He had managed to survive on his own for half a year now. He had food, not enough to be full but not so little that he was too hungry either, he often found more or less comfortable places to sleep, and he was more than capable of fighting of the rare group of croats he happened upon. But he was also lonely. The books helped to a degree but they did not replace the presence of other people. With a sigh Cas leaned back on the couch, took a bite of the bar and started reading.

 

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**Six months since Cas left - Dean**

"Dean, it´s time to stop". Dean looked up as Kim approached. He knew what Kim meant but pretended not to.

"I don´t know what you mean". He turned his back to Kim and continued filling his water bottle. He was leaving once again, this time heading further south than he had gone before.

"I don´t know what happened, but I know you want to find him. But it´s like a needle in a haystack." Dean just turned around without a word and started walking to the cars, he could hear Kim following him. "Cas might not even want to be found, he left for a reason, didn´t he? You can´t continue to leave the camp like this. We don´t know when or if you will come back. You are our leader."

Dean stopped and faced Kim, "Then maybe it´s time you choose another leader." He started walking again and reached on of the trucks. He opened the door and threw his stuff inside before climbing in himself.

"You are the backbone of this camp, Dean. Especially after Cas left", Kim held a hand on the door. "You are needed here".

Dean looked at him before driving off, "I have to, I just have to search a bit longer." He had now gone further south from the camp than ever before with no sign of the one he was looking for. He knew that was the likely outcome of every one of his searches, but he still had to try. It was because of his stupid mouth that Cas had left. He made Cas leave the one place they had made feel like home just because he could not deal with the feelings of guilt and unfair treatment. But the one who least of all deserved to be hurt because of that was Cas. Dean just needed to find him and explain that nothing of what he had said was true. That it was the opposite, Cas was the only person he truly needed. If only he could find him. But Dean also new that he could not go on like this, these random searched amounted to no good, Cas could be on the other side of the hill and he would never know, just as well as he could be on the other side of the country. And he was still needed at the camp.

As Dean turned the car around he decided that maybe the best thing to do was to take care of the place he and Cas built. But he would wait every single day and hope that Cas would walk through the gate and come home.

 

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**One year since leaving camp - Castiel**

He barely manages to stop the bleeding but some old rags and a belt does the trick until he reaches and old hunting cabin. He slowly inches up the half broken stair and enters the single room, wrinkling his nose at the smell of rotting wood. Inside there is a small table with three mismatched chairs, a dusty bed in the corner and a kitchenette by the other wall. A chest sits by the end of the bed. Cas drops his backpack by the table and slowly walks towards the chest. He opens it and finds a spare set of bed clothes, these ones seem a tad cleaner than the ones on the bed. He grabs a sheet and sits heavily down on the bed. Carefully he removed the belt and rags and looks down at the wound.

"Dammit…". It wasn´t fatal, but very annoying and it hurt a lot. And the most irritating part was that he had not gotten it while fighting croats or anything like that, he had simply fallen and there just happened to be a metal rod where he landed. It had not pierced him right through, but about halfway which meant it was rather deep. Luckily the rod had not been too thick. He reached for the side of his backpack which held a bottle of water. He poured some on the wound, wishing it was alcohol, the last thing he needed was an infection. With most of the blood gone he ripped the sheet in pieces and managed to create a half decent bandage. With a sigh he slowly laid down on the bed, sneezing once as he stirred up some dust. He was too tired to try and shake the bedding free of it right now. He looked up at the ceiling, feeling some tears gather in his eyes but he did not let them fall.

He was in pain, but worse was the feeling of loneliness. What if he got an infection, or someday sustained a worse injury and died. No one would know, he would die alone in some stranger´s house and maybe someday someone would come and find his body and not know a thing about who he had been. And no one would care that he had died, because no one needed him alive.

Cas put his arm over his face because now the tears were falling.

 

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**One year since Cas left - Dean**

Dean Dean smiled as he watched Lilja and Kim dance around the fire. A couple of years back they had established the tradition to have a "party" once a year, just to have something to look forward to. Party these days meant some extra food, a big fire and someone playing an old guitar. It was fun, seeing everyone enjoy themselves, couples and children dancing around, stories being told. Cas had been the one with the best stories…

Dean shook his head, trying to get rid of the sad thoughts. For tonight he just wanted to try and think of something else. He raised his cup as Salim approached, taking a seat next to him. They both sat quietly and watched the people dancing. After some time Salim got up to refill his drink.

"Do you want some more?", he asked Dean. Dean declined, he still had some water in his glass. He had not drunk a drop of alcohol since the night Cas left.

 

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**Two years since leaving camp - Castiel**

Cas had just left another camp. But this time, he wanted to leave. About eight months back he had meet two women, Daisy and Rose, who after a while offered him to travel with them. Cas, tired of being alone, happily accepted. They had been good travel companions and easy to talk to. Cas never went in to any great detail about his past but they seemed fine with that. They had traveled together for some time when they met a group of people from a nearby camp, and was invited to follow along. Cas stayed in the camp for four months before he decided that he had had enough. The leadership of that camp had not been for him. He had not managed to escape the dictatorship of heaven to exchange it for another.

Daisy and Rose had seemed to be on the same thought of mind as him but had decided to give the place another chance. He had said a heartfelt good bye and left last night. He did feel that he made the right choice, the rules and regulations of that place driving him mad. But at the same time he did not look forward to yet again being on the road, alone.

Was this how the rest of his human life would look like? Doomed to drift around, no other goal than just staying alive. No one to talk to but random strangers once in a while, and needed by no one. But maybe that´s what he deserved? He probably did, considering his many failures. This was the cost for failing Dean and the world. But some part of him protested, and for the first time he did feel a stirring of anger. He had tried his best, but there were powers stronger than him! Why did Dean have to blame him and make him leave the place where he wanted to be? He suddenly felt so angry and treated so unjustly. But these feelings were competing with the knowledge that Dean had it worse than him in many ways, and that Cas had to do what was best for Dean…. Right? He bowed his head and continued walking.

 

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**Two years since Cas left - Dean**

Dean sat by the wheel, approaching yet another empty little town. He and ten other people from camp had gone on one of the rare scavenger hunts they still did, looking for specific items. The need to find food was gone, but other needs such as medicine were not as easy to fulfill. They had two people back at the camp who were diabetic, one of them a child. They had already managed to find some insulin in a once hidden locker in a pharmacy store, but decided that it did not hurt to continue looking now when they were already on the road. Since then they had passed two other towns which had for the most part already been emptied, but they had found some pain killers and cough medicine. This town they just arrived in would probably be their last, depending on what they found. They had a system where everyone else started going through the houses, while Dean and Kim find the pharmacy. Usually the stores were all empty, but often they have hidden treasures if one knew where to look.

Dean arrived at the main street and slowed down, creeping along the stores looking for the right one. He saw the green sign and came to a stop outside. He and Kim made sure they had their weapons ready as they exited the car. Croats were a rare sight these days but they still showed up once in a while. They walked through the door and as expected the shelves were empty.

Just as Dean was about to head behind the counter they freezeed at the sound coming from the back of the store. As one they drew their guns and started walking towards it. It´s probably not a croat, but another human is at times just as, or even more, dangerous. The sound came again, just as they turned the corner around a big shelf. Dean took a step out and saw what was on the floor. For a second his heart almost stopped.

The man on the floor, who seems to have tried to hide under the shelf but not quite managed to fit, had brown unruly hair and for just a moment Dean´s brain shouts "Cas!". But as soon as the thought flashed though his mind he is filled with disappointment. The hair is much lighter than Cas´, and the man is much larger than him as well.

The man froze when Dean and Kim came closer to him. He was half under the shelf, half out on the floor. Dean heard his labored breathing as the man started moving again, this time out from the shelf.

"Please don´t do anything until I´ve at least gotten away from this darned piece of furniture." He continued, rather ungracefully, to crawl. Finally he managed to get free, and while still sitting on the floor he turned around, facing Dean and Kim and their guns pointing at him, "Fellas, no need for the guns." He raised his hand. The other he kept close to his body, bent over his chest, "I´m just trying to find some bandages. I´m alone."

Dean kept his gun raised. The guy looked him in the eye, "I am no danger to you. Really, I just hurt my hand and figured I could find something in here to help. We can all chill." Dean finally looked towards Kim and then lowered his hand, relaxing his body. But he kept his finger on the trigger.

"If you stay calm, we will." Dean looked around, "So, did you find anything useful?"

They guy remained seated. "Not yet, I just came in here a few minutes before you, barely started looking. I heard the car and tried to hide, you can never be too careful, but I chose the worst damn hiding place in existence." He glanced behind himself and said, "A few pounds less and it might have worked" while chuckling to himself.

Dean relaxed further. He was rather confident in his ability to read people and this guy, unless he was a really good actor, did not seem to be a threat. "Let's search together, if we find bandages you can have some, the rest we will take care of." Dean extended his hand, which the guy grabbed and stood up. "Name´s Dean".

The guy nodded, "I´m Rolf. Pleasure."

Dean started going through the store while Kim and Rolf exchanged greetings. Soon they were all three looking for whatever they could find. Kim discovered a box under a desk with some rolls of bandages and gave one to Rolf. Rolf found three bottles of painkillers, he opened one and took a pill, then put the cap back and handed them to Dean. Right before they decided that they had found everything the old store had to offer, Dean felt the floor give a little by the counter. When he looked down and really peered at the floor he saw very fine lines that together formed a square. With the tip of his knife he managed to get the square up, which revealed a little hole in the floor filled with pill bottles. "Jackpot!"

He grabbed one and it read antibiotics. This was exactly what they needed. He called for Kim and together they filled a plastic bag with the findings, before exiting though the door and putting it all in the truck. Just as Dean was jumping in the driver´s seat he saw Rolf in the doorway, looking at them, still cradling his arm to his chest. Dean and Kim shared a look before Dean jumped out again and walked towards Rolf.

"Got anywhere to go?" Rolf gave a rather empty laugh.

"Nope, I´m free flying."

"Interested in tagging along? We have a camp with good people. Everyone does their part and together we keep it safe and survive."

Rolf looked hard at Dean, "I´ve gotten this offer before. But I said heck no and ran for it, just a gut feeling you know. But you two seem like decent people. So yes, I would like to tag along." With that he grabbed the backpack by his feet and followed Dean to the truck and got in the backseat. They soon met up with the others and decided to start the drive back. As Dean drove he glanced towards Rolf. Even though he had not found the one he was searching for, at least he had helped someone else.

 

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**Three years since leaving camp - Castiel**

Cas saw the man and the girl from a long distance, they were walking in the middle of the highway in a slow pace. He was also walking on the highway which connected two cities. He was walking faster than them and soon came closer. He did not want to frighten them but at the same time he did not feel like walking in the woods, plus they seemed to be in need of help. The man was leaning heavily on the girl. When he was in a talking distance they still had not noticed him, the man´s heavy breathing louder than Cas´ footsteps. Cas quietly said, "Do you need any help?"

They both startled and turned around, Cas backed a step and held up his hands, "It´s okay, I mean no harm. I just wondered if you are in need of any assistance."

The man quickly said, "No, no we are fine. Thank you." He made a motion to start walking again but the girl stood still, hindering him from continuing. "You only want to help? Not steal our food or our clothes, not hurt us or worse?" She seemed to be in her teenage years, but with a look in her eyes that did not belong to such as young girl. She seemed to try and stare him down, as if she only with her look could hinder anyone from hurting them.

"I would never steel your food nor try to hurt you."

She continued to stare at him, and she seemed to see something in Cas´ face because she turned to the man and said, "Dad, we do need help." She turned to Cas again, "My dad is hurt and I don´t know what to do." As the words left her lips she seemed to grow smaller, more like the teenager she was, "He is just getting worse and worse."

Cas stepped forward, "Here, let me help you support him. Let's get of the highway as soon as possible and then I can have a lock at what´s wrong." He grabbed the man's other arm and put it over his shoulders, "I´m Cas by the way."

"Isa." She indicated her head towards the man, "This is my dad Magnus."

Three weeks later Cas, Isa and Magnus were still occupying the first house they had found of the highway. They had enough food to survive a short time longer, after that they would have to move on or at least one of them would had to leave to find more food. Magnus spent most of his time in bed. He had not gotten any better, quite the opposite. After they had arrived Cas had looked at the wound Magnus had in his side. It looked similar to the wound Cas himself had gotten a while after leaving camp, but this one was worse. And unlike Cas´, this one had been infected. He had tried to clean it and put a bandage on, but without the proper medicine he feared that the infection would only get worse.

And it turned out he was right. Magnus was now barely conscious, Isa managed to get him to eat some food and drink some water but not much. When she was not sitting by his side she spent her time with Cas, helping to carry in wood to the fire place, preparing food, or simply just talking. Cas had dearly missed company, and once they got to know each other more Isa just seemed to love to talk. And she was also a fifteen year old who loved asking questions, about everything. She seemed to be constantly curious. Which suited Cas just fine, he still had infinite knowledge compared to humans, and he loved to explain things to Isa when she wondered something.

One evening when Magnus seemed a little bit better and more coherent, Cas came up to his room where Isa sat. He took the chair on the other side of the bed and watched as Isa told her father about the day.

"Cas and I managed to find a bunch of blueberries and Cas thinks that if we get the old stove to work, we can make a pie! There is some flour in the cabinet, its old but Cas thinks it's still okay to use. And he already knows how to make pie, right Cas?"

Cas smiled at her, "Yes, I have made pies before, once or twice." He pretended not to feel the stab of longing for those days.

Magnus slowly turned his head towards Cas, "Thank you Cas, for everything." It was clear that it was a struggle for him to speak, with barely no energy left. "I wanted to ask you a question while I still can. Will you stay with Isa when I am gone? My girl is strong, and I know she can take care of herself. But I would feel so much better if she had someone with her in this world as I leave it."

Cas looked at the dying man in the bed, and the silently crying girl behind him, "I am honored that you ask me. If Isa wants me to, I will gladly stay with her."

Isa looked at her father and took his hand, "Dad, don´t worry. I´ll be fine. As so will you, just hang in there a little more."

Three days later Cas was digging a grave. Magnus had not been conscious since they talked to him last, and Isa had not managed to get him to eat any more. Cas had walked up to Magnus´ room this morning and found Isa in the chair with her head on her arms on the bed. Magnus had not been breathing. Cas carefully woke Isa up and she just looked at her dad and said nothing, tears started streaming down her face. Cas finished the grave and lowered the body wrapped in a sheet into the ground. He began shuffling the dirt back and once he was finished he walked to find Isa. She was sitting on the couch in the living room, staring at nothing.

"It´s ready, Isa." She took a big breath and followed Cas back out. Together they stood before the grave, which had a cross at the top. Cas had asked Isa if she wanted him to make a cross, and she had said yes.

"Would you like to say anything?"

"Dad". Isa swiped at some tears running down her face. "I miss you already. I will forever miss you. I love you, dad."

Cas quietly said good bye and a while later they went back inside. Cas and Isa stayed in the house for a couple more days, Isa spent most of that time by the grave. Finally, they decided to leave a week after Magnus has passed away, their need to find more food staring to get pressing.

As they walked through the door Isa took Cas´ hand, "Thanks for staying with me Cas. I miss dad so much, but I am also grateful that I am not alone."

Cas pressed her hand back, "Whatever you need Isa, I´m here."

 

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**Three years since Cas left - Dean**

They group sat quietly outside the cabin, no one saying much. They are all waiting, has been for hours. Finally someone comes out the door.

"Luke, you have a brand new baby sister. Wanna met her?"

"Yes!"

Kate smiles as Luke runs up the stairs and into the cabin, where his father, Lilja and their new baby is resting. Kate continues down to where Dean just stood up. "They are all doing good, both Lilja and the baby." Dean is relieved. Lilja was the first woman at the camp pregnant since the world fell, and they had all been worried about the delivery, considering they had no proper doctor nor the right equipment if something were to happen.

"That´s great. I am suddenly really hungry, wanna go get some food?"

Kate laughs, "Heck, yes." They had both been helping relocate the garden earlier in the day, the soil was not as good anymore and their harvest had been decreasing for a while now.

A week later they all have dinner outside together to celebrate the new addition to the camp. Nova Silvia Jameson. She is lying in her father´s arms, dressed in a pretty white jumpsuit. When Dean found out about the baby he drove to a house two towns over. He had once visited it and remembered finding a whole bunch of baby clothes there, as well as a crib. It all seemed unused. The tragedy that could be glanced from that was now made better when the clothes came to use. Dean had just finished his food and sat contently next to Rolf, who was digging in on his second portion.

"You once fit half of you under that shelf. If that was today, I doubt you would fit more than you head", Dean joked.

Rolf chuckled, "You are probably right. This place has been good to me."

Dean nodded, "And you have been good for this camp." Rolf had this easy going, positive nature that created a fun atmosphere wherever he went. He also turned out to be a very good cook and could turn nothing into deliciousness. As then he was very good at eating it as well.

"Thanks man."

Dean looked towards Kim and Nova, "Isn´t it weird that she will grow up and this will be the only world she knows. And our world, the one we all just took for granted, will just be old ruins and stories in her eyes."

Rolf nodded, "But I also think it´s our job to try and built this world into a good new place where she can grow up safe and sound, you know. Sure, we have lost a lot, but that does not mean it always has to be bad just because we can´t go back exactly to how things were."

Dean looked at him. "You sound like a friend…..I had. He would also have said something like that."

Rolf finished his last bite, "Sounds like a smart fellow."

 

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**Four years since leaving camp - Castiel**

"So, wanna go?" Cas asked Isa as they settled down for the night, her on the couch and him on a mattress on the floor.

"I´ve been thinking about it all day. And I… I actually think I wanna try it out. I mean why not, if it´s not as good we have heard we can just leave again, right?"

Cas put his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling, "I have lived at a good camp, and I have lived at a not so good camp. I don´t know what category this one belongs to but I am willing to give it a try if you want to." During the year since he and Isa left the house and the grave they at first moved around, found food when needed, slept in different houses each night. Then for a period of a couple of months they stayed in an old trailer with a functioning gas stove. Behind the trailer there was a plot of land that at first seemed like just a patch of grass, but they discovered that it was actually filled with potatoes, carrots and some other vegetables. And they seemed to have arrived right for harvest time. They had a good time there, Isa was at times sad and missed her dad, but for the most part life moved on.

They spent a lot of time talking while doing different tasks. Some days Isa was interested in history, other days it was all about understanding physics. And sometimes she told Cas stories about her childhood and her family. She had grown up with her father and grandmother and had several cousins all around the area she used to live. Her grandmother had passed away shortly before the end of the world, and from then on it had just been her dad and her. Until Cas came along.

One evening a couple of days before they left the trailer, Cas had started telling her about his past. At first, he did not go into any details. He talked about helping a friend and failing, staying at the camp and leaving because it was for the best. But as time went on he started telling her his story more in depth, and finally one day he told her as they ate dinner, "I´m an angel. Or, I was an angel and now I am almost human." He showed her his angel blade that he usually kept in his backpack.

Isa had not said a word, just looked at him with an unreadable expression. "I have been an angel for the most part of my existence. I served heaven. And then I met some humans, and we fought Lucifer together. You know Lucifer, right? He is the one who brought this new world upon humans. We fought him and failed. And since then, I have slowly become more and more human." He had been worried then that Isa would see him differently, and perhaps want to leave, since he had basically said he had a part in why the world had ended. But instead, she had leaned forward and put her hand on his hands.

"I already knew there was something about you. I mean, you know everything about everything. It´s like you have a PhD in every subject ever. And it´s something else too. Just your presence. I did not notice it at first but after getting to know you more, I just felt that you were special in some way, I just did not know in what way. Thanks for telling me, Cas." Isa smiled at him, and he felt so relieved and smiled back.

They continued on eating their food and as they finished Cas heard Isa mutter to herself, "I am friends with an actual angel. How cool."

 

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The last few weeks they had started seeing these signs saying "We have a place for you. No more going from place to place. No more trying to find food. No more being unsafe. Come to Salus, a place where we work on rebuilding. We have food and safety for those willing to pitch in." The first time they saw one of the signs, both Cas and Isa stopped to read it, but neither offered a comment as they continued walking. They had seen several more since then, and even met a group of people who were headed to "Salus".

Last night they had seen as sign again, and Cas had turned to Isa, "Let´s think about it." And now they had, and Isa wanted to give it a try. Cas didn´t mind. As he was falling asleep he saw a camp in mind, but it was not the unknown Salus he pictured, it was another camp.

Two weeks later they arrived at a big gate, surrounded by a thick concrete wall on both sides. As Cas and Isa glanced around nervously the gate started to open. A figured appeared in the opening, waiving them forward. As they approached the figure took shape, a woman with white hair. She smiled at them.

"This is Salus, which means safety. We are glad you decided to come. Welcome."

 

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**Four years since Cas left - Dean**

"It´s called Salus. It´s a huge camp, surrounded by big concrete walls. We have plenty of food, and enough people to keep it safe. We even have electricity and running water. Salus is the first place I have seen since the end that has actually recovered to a similar kind of life as before."

Dean looked at the man as he finished the water he had been offered. "Sounds too good to be true."

The man, Hassan, nooded. "S´what I thought at first too. Right?" He looked at his two companions who had introduced themselves as Hank and Joan, who also nodded. "But it is actually true. They had been working on the concrete construction for years before, meant for a different purpose. But as the world fell, some people had the great idea that it could serve as a wall, and they managed to finish it. Don´t really know how since it really is huge. The wall isn´t needed as much anymore since most of the croats are gone, but you know, gives a sense of safety to have it there. Most people live inside or close to it on the outside. We have food since we raise livestock as well as grow crops. I saw your land outside. Ours is many times that size. The electricity comes from three big generators, taken from two hospitals and an old prison. You know, those places were required to have electricity even in the case of a power outage. You don´t have access to the power 24/7 but a good amount every day. We get running water in a complex of buildings, some meant for food and some for showering."

As Hassan finished, Joan spoke up. "When you get there you are allowed to settle in for a couple of days and then you get assigned a job based on what you have done before, what you are good at. As long as you follow the rules you are allowed to stay."

Dean looked at her, "Rules?"

"To enjoy what Salus has to offer, you work. Just as it was before, you work and you earn. It isn't bad work, about eight hours of work each day gives you food, a place to sleep, a shower to get clean, a school for your kids, a library to visit, and a community to be apart off. It really is very much like the old world."

Dean looked at the last person who had not spoken, Hank. "If it´s so great, then why are you here?"

Hank spoke up, "Our job is scouting, we travel around the place, looking for groups of people or camps and tell them of Salus, offering them to come. The smart people who run Salus figured out early on that shutting people out will never work in the long run. Instead we welcome people, make sure they know what is expected of them, as well as the rights they receive in return, and together we continue working to build a new world out of the scraps of the old one."

Dean glanced at the other people gathered with him in the cabin. Sherri, Kate, Kim, Lilja, Salim and Rolf. Their faces showed none of their thoughts. He turned to the visitors again. "Thank you for letting us know. We will think about it. You are welcome to stay the night if you want to."

As Hassan, Hank and Joan had been settled in a cabin Dean gathered again with the people he trusted most. "So?"

Kate spoke up right away, "Why leave something good? We´ve created something here, we don´t need to leave it for tales of another place." Sherri nodded along with Kate´s words.

Next Kim spoke up, "What we have here is indeed good, doesn´t mean there isn't something better. Raising my daughter and son in a place with even sturdier walls, even more food, and with a vision like that is not something I would say no to."

"I agree", said Lilja.

"Rolf?" Dean looked at their cook and his friend.

"If you had told me beforehand about all that you had created here, I would have been doubtful. Just as we now are feeling towards these people. But why would they lie? What do they have to gain by us bringing more mouths to feed?" As always, Rolf´s opinion came with good points.

Besides him Salim raised a hand, "My opinion is that we should properly think about this offer. As you know, the soil in our garden has once again failed us. The food from our previous garden is still plenty but it will run out. We have relocated much of the crops, but the turnout of that is unknown." He looked at some papers in his lap, "If this new garden does fail, we would have to go back to scavenging, but since we have grown in numbers since the last time we had to survive on those means, I am not sure how well that would work out."

Kate spoke up again, "So, let´s wait. Let´s see how the new garden turns out, and if the result is bad, then we can talk about going."

So they stayed, they lived on. They manage to get some food from the new garden, but it soon became clear that it wasn´t going to be enough in the long run. Once again Dean gathers with the others, but this time the rest of the camp is with them too. Dean tells everyone about their choices. Stay in their home, but risk too little food and once again having to go on scavenger hunts where the result is unknown. Or travel to this new place, Salus, a journey of several weeks, for the chance that it is what they have been told. Some people want to go, some people want to give staying another chance. But at the end of the night, Dean gives the orders that in one month time they will all be packed and ready to leave, heading towards Salus, following the map Joan provided.

As he goes to bed that night he feels like there is a large stone in his stomach. He thinks that leaving is the right decision, Camp Chitaqua has played its part. But…. what if Cas comes back? Unlikely after all this time, but what if he does. Only to be met by an empty camp. Dean gets up again and writes something on a note.

One month later, Dean lays the note on the foot of his bed. He looks at it for a long time before walking out the door. "Cas, we have left to go to a place named Salus. Follow the map I drew. Please follow us there. I´m so sorry and I need to tell you that in person. -Dean."

 

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**Five years since leaving camp - Castiel**

Cas existed the school building, heading towards the dining hall but taking a detour by the library to see if he could find Isa so they could have dinner together. He had just finished a lesson in history, going through the event behind the processes of the Enlightenment. Cas had worked with several different tasks since arriving at Salus, he had gone on two scouting missions, helped with the gardens, and building the new dining hall. But once Isa heard about the lack of proper teachers, she had volunteered Cas without him even knowing. But he really liked it, getting to teach, for the most part, knowledge-hungry students. He had started teaching history, and then slowly more subjects were added as it was clear that Cas "new much about much", as Isa said.

She was one of those students, but as she was now seventeen, she had school fewer hours than before, and instead she had started working in the organization office, which she seemed to like. But every so often she could be found in the library, nose deep in a book. As was the case today. Cas made a noise, which made Isa hold up a finger to stop him. She finished the page, put a bookmark in and closed the book.

"Hi, Cas."

"Hello, ready for some dinner?"

"Starving!"

They started walked together across the camp. "I heard people from another camp has been spotted, they are coming today."

"Oh, really. That is good. The more people that gets a share in this place, the better." As they sat down to eat, Cas thought about Camp Chitaqua. A while after he had arrived at Salus he had been thinking that the people at Chitaqua also deserved to enjoy the life that Salus offered. Salus sent out people on scouting missions so he told Monica, the older woman who was the leader of Salus, about Dean´s camp. She promised to let the scouts know. Cas figured that if the people of Chitaqua ever came, he would consider what to do then.

At first he thought that if Dean arrived, Cas could just leave again. He knew he had to talk to Isa about it, but maybe he could visit or something. But the longer Cas stayed at Salus, the more he hated the thought of leaving. If Dean came, maybe Cas could stay, but just keep to one part of Salus. It was a very big camp after all. But there was no use worrying about these thoughts now, Dean was not here, so Cas could live however he wanted.

As he and Isa left the hall, he heard the gate close in the distance. He glanced over and saw a lot of people gathered there, probably the people that had been expected. He saw Monica come to greet them. He and Isa walked to their shared house, but soon left again to join several others at the large bonfire they held once a week. It was a time for people to chatter and for kids to play.

As he and Isa arrived, Isa grabbed his arm, "Cas, I am going to sit by Clarice and Jonathan over there."

"Okay, have fun".

Just as Isa was about to leave, Cas heard someone shout his name. "Cas!".

He froze and stared at Isa, before slowly turning around. "Dean."

 

                                                                                                       **********************************

 

**Five years since Cas left - Dean**

Dean saw the many buildings and the huge wall in the distance and gave a sigh of relieve. After weeks of traveling they were finally here. He looked behind him at all the tired people. The first distance they had been driving the trucks, but eventually the gas ran out and they had to walk. Now the people were at their limit, tired of always moving. He looked forward again and watched as the camp called Salus came closer. They stopped in front of the gate, which slowly opened. Dean took a deep breath, steeled himself and walked in, followed by his people. Inside, the first people he saw was Hassan, next to an older woman and a couple more people he did not recognize. He signed for those behind him to stop has he approached.

The woman smiled and extended her hand. "Hi, I am Monica, leader of Salus. "

Dean shook her hand, "Dean."

"Welcome Dean, we are happy you decided to join us." Dean nodded and looked around. From what he could see it actually seemed as if they had made the right choice. The place was clean, people milled around who all looked healthy, and he could smell food in the air.

Monica continued, "We knew you were coming a couple of days ago, we have prepared houses for you to stay in. They are located inside the walls, as most of our new arrivals seem to prefer being inside the wall to start with. As you will see, many also live outside the wall, but close by. In your house you will find towels, and someone will show you to the showers. After that, you are welcome to the dining hall where we today have chicken on the menu. Please tell your people that they are free to rest for a couple of days. After that, we can go over suitable workplaces for all of you."

Dean felt a little overwhelmed by all this information, but thanked Monica as he followed Hassan to his new home. It was a room in a cabin shared by others from his camp.

"This place is yours as you settle in and rest up, later you will get a proper home, location depending on what work you will do and your family situation. Here are your towels, the showers are just a minute away, there are signs pointing the way. The dining hall is close to the gate where you entered. If you are wondering where people are tonight, they will have gathered around the weekly bonfire. You are welcome to join if you like, but we understand it you don´t since you must be tired."

Hassan clasped Deans shoulder."I am happy you decided to come. I know it all feels like much in the beginning but I think you all will like it here."

With that he left Dean alone. Dean looked around at the small room, feeling almost empty, but in a good way. He had gotten use to the feeling of having everyone's wellbeing on his shoulder, but if this camp was as good as it seemed, he would not have to carry that anymore. Here he could be one of many, not the leader. Here, he did not have to tackle all the problems. Dean went and took a shower, then came back to his room to drop of his things. Then he walked to the dining hall with several from Camp Chitaqua. As he arrived inside the hall he saw several of the others, he liked that they had decided to go to the hall themselves instead of waiting for everyone. It showed that they felt okay here. He sat between Rolf and Sherry and ate a delicious meal, almost as good as if Rolf had made it. They all ate until their stomachs were full. When they were done and walked outside they could see the big bonfire Hassan had talked about.

"Let´s walk by the fire, just to see some of those who live here", Sherri suggested. They all agreed and walked towards the flaming lights. People were sitting on benches all around the fire, with kids running in between, chasing each other. Dean stopped just before the light of the fire reached him, content with just watching for a little. As he stood there, someone caught his eyes. A man and a young girl were standing on the other side of the fire, talking. The girl had long blond hair while the man´s was brown. He could not see more from his place but Dean just felt that there was something special about them. Without thinking he started walking towards them. As he came closer he saw the girl put her hand on the man´s arm and say something more. The man leaned forward to hear what she was saying and that´s when the light of the fire fell on one side of the man´s face.

Dean felt as if he was falling, as if he had jumped off a cliff, a weird feeling in his stomach traveling up though his throat. He almost felt light headed. He took another step forward and shouted "Cas!"

The man froze, with his back still towards Dean. Then slowly he turned around. And Dean saw what he already knew. It was Cas. Cas looked at him and even though Dean could not properly hear him, he saw his own name leave Cas´ lips.

 

                                                                                                       **********************************

 

Time stood still. Cas looked at Dean. Dean looked at Cas. For Cas, it was as if he heard the last words Dean had said to him all those years ago again, echoing in his head. For Dean, he was filled with mixed feelings of regret for the time gone, and joy for finally getting a chance to fix it.

Dean walked up to Cas, "Cas, it´s really you. I can´t believe it." And even though Cas was still partly frozen, Dean grabbed him in a hug. He could not help it, he just had to feel for himself that Cas was real, that he was really there. Cas did not hug him back, but he did not resist either. As Dean released him, he looked over towards the girl Cas had been talking to. She was watching Cas with a worried expression. Dean followed her eyes to Cas´ face. It was motionless but his eyes showed a storm of feelings.

"Cas, say something man."

Cas took a deep breath, "Dean, I… I did not know Camp Chitaqua would be arriving here. If I had known I would have…. I mean I could have…." Cas looked away from Dean and his eyes fell on Isa. "Hmmm, Isa. This is Dean, and old f… friend. Dean, this is Isa. We´ve traveled together."

Isa looked at Dean with a suspicious expression. "Old friend? Then why do you look like you´ve seen a ghost or something?"

"I… just wasn't expecting…" Cas took a couple steps back, away from Dean. "I thought that you might come. I knew Monica had sent the scouts your way after I talked to her. I just thought I would know beforehand." He almost seemed too mutter to himself a little, but Dean heard him "…I still haven´t decided what to do…". Just as Dean decided that he could not wait any longer to tell Cas what he needed to know, words came pouring out of Cas as well.

"Dean, this is my home..."

"Cas, what I said…"

"…and I want to stay. We can maybe keep to different parts..."

"…I never meant any of it…"

"…you won´t have to see me much."

They both quieted at the same time. Dean felt as if he would turn into a sobbing mess at hearing Cas´ words. Cas, who had sent the scouts while still thinking that he would have to leave if Dean ever came. "Cas, listen." Dean suddenly became aware of all the people around them. "I really need to talk to you, but can we do that somewhere more private?"

Cas looked around as well, "Follow me." Cas began to walk and Dean followed behind him, looking at Cas´ slumped shoulders. As they approached a small little house Cas gestured towards it, "I share this with Isa, we came to Salus about a year ago." He walked inside and held up the door for Dean. They house they entered was cozy inside, the room they stopped in a living room and kitchen combined. Cas started lighting two small gas lamps. "The electricity is often shut off on bonfire night, not many are in their homes anyway." He placed the lamps on the table and looked towards Dean.

Dean just looked back at him. Cas, beloved, beloved Cas, standing before him. Looking much as he had before, but with some new lines on his face, his hair even more unruly now, if that was possible. Dean felt like he was floating in the feeling of finally getting to look at Cas again. How many times had he not hoped and dreamed of this opportunity.

Cas began to fidget with his hands, "Dean?".

Dean mentally shaked his head and thought about what to say, where to start. "Cas, I´ve been working on this, well, speech, for five years. Whenever I had time over, I daydreamed about what to say if I ever saw you again. And I know I don´t deserve to ask, but can I please get to say this, and you can say whatever you want after?"

"Of course, Dean."

Dean took a deep breath, "I haven´t touched alcohol since that evening. Can barely stand to look at it these days. Because it ruined the best thing I had going for me. Well, I ruined that, with the help of alcohol. I´ve been thinking about that night so many times. Wondering how in the world I said those things I said. I just…. I am not making any excuses but I just want you to understand. I was sad and depressed because of thoughts about Sam, and I was worried about being a good leader, and I just wanted to feel sorry for myself. I felt like a failure and I hated myself but I also hurt, and as the stupid idiot I am I wanted to make someone else hurt to. And I know that you already did, Sam was your friend too, and the state of the world lay on your shoulders as well, but I just thought of myself and nothing or no one else. Cas, please believe me when I say that I did not mean a word."

He took a step closer, "Cas, I have never counted you as anything else than part of my family, since before the apocalypse. You did not fail. You did not fail me, or Sam, or the world. You fought with all that you had, broke millennia of ingrained rules for what you believed in. Without you things would have been so much worse. And every time I saw you, I saw a warrior of heaven who fought for the humans, who turned his whole life inside out to save the little guys. Someone who never gave up and always had this amazing ability to make other people keep pushing. What you did was more than good enough, it was world changing. And when I looked at you, I remembered Sam, but in a good way. You are the only one who I can share him with, the only one except me who knew him."

Dean took another step, and slowly reached for Cas´ hands, and held them in his. "I never, ever, ever wanted you to leave. I need you way too much for that. I need you for your strength, and for your persistence, and for your fighting spirit, and for your stability, and for your amazing stories. I just need you Cas, just you. I always will." Dean still held onto Cas´ hands, he held them in a tight grip, as if afraid that Cas would be gone again if he let go. As he looked at Cas, he saw Cas´ eyes fill with tears. "I can never say how sorry I am, that I made you believe that you were not needed or welcome in a place you helped create. That my words made you leave it, to survive on your own. I would do anything to take that back."

Dean then remained silent, and Cas said nothing either. They just looked at each other in silence, hands still clasped.

Then Cas took a deep breath, "I was devastated. I did not know what to do or where to go. I just knew I needed to leave because I thought my presence hurt you, and hindered you from getting better and move on. I was sad for a long time, but pushed it down in order to survive. And then I felt angry too, at you, Dean. I felt that it was so unfair. But life goes on. I´ve met so many people, good and bad. I´ve lived and created a life of my own. Most recently here with Isa. I´ve always missed you and everyone else, but I moved on. Or I thought I did until I heard you call my name tonight."

Cas squeezed Dean´s hands a little harder. "I´ve wanted to hear those words from you for a long time, but I never dared to hope."

They both remained silent again, watching each other. The air felt clearer between them, the most necessary words spoken. But years of distance was not so easily forgotten.

"I will say them again and again until you believe me. If these years without you have taught me anything, it is that I want you by my side."

Cas gave a small smile, before he straightened up and removed his hands from Dean´s. He suddenly felt that he needed to be alone to think Dean´s little speech over. "You are probably tired, and so am I. I know which house you have been assigned, do you want me to come by tomorrow and we can go to breakfast?"

"Yes, sounds great. See you then, Cas."

"Yes. Goodnight, Dean."

Dean started walking towards the door, when he was halfway outside he turned towards Cas again, "And you will be there tomorrow, right? For sure?"

"Yes, Dean, I´ll be there."

 

                                                                                                       **********************************

 

As Dean walked out the door, Cas sat down heavily on one of the kitchen chairs. He felt a little numb. Dean was here. Dean was here and had just said that, that…. that the reason Cas left didn´t exist. That he never needed to leave. He had said… _I" never, ever, ever wanted you to leave. I need you way too much for that"_. He… " _I need you way too much for that"_. Cas did not know what to feel. Overjoyed over the words Dean had said. But he also had a sinking feeling, because the reason that he endured all that time alone did not exist. It had just been Dean´s drunken tongue and repressed feelings over things other than Cas. As Cas sat there, all these thoughts storming around in his brain, he heard the door open.

"Cas?" Isa called as she entered, stopping when she saw him by the table. "How are you?"

"I´m good. I´m good. Just a bit….shaken I guess."

Isa came at took the seat opposite Cas. "Wanna walk about it?"

"I, it´s just. I´ve told you about Dean. We fought Lucifer together, he was the first friend I ever had. He and his brother. But I never told you about why we split apart. He, he said some things that made me think he did not want me around, and that it was best for everyone if I left. So I did. And now, he just told me he never meant those things. So, the reason behind why my life is what it is now, was because of a lie said in the heat of anger and pain on his part. And now I don´t know. I´m happy, really happy. But also sad, and angry, and weirdly disappointed that he said that just too hurt me. If it had been true, then that´s just how he felt, he could not be to blame for that. But it wasn´t true."

Cas looked up to Isa watching him seriously. "But if I had never left, I would not have met you. I can never regret that".

Isa smiled at him, "You are entitled to these feelings Cas. Sounds like he made a dick move. So, what now?"

Cas stood up. "Now, I am going to bed. Tomorrow me and Dean will eat breakfast together, and we´ll see where we go from there. After that I have class, wanna met me for lunch after?"

"You know I do. Good night, Cas." Isa came closer and reached up on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek.

"Good night, Isa. Sweet dreams."

 

                                                                                                       **********************************

 

Dean was nervous. He had been pacing in his room from the moment he woke up, and he woke way too early. He was worried about what Cas was going to say at breakfast. Had he accepted Dean´s apology? And what would Cas tell Dean about these five years, what things had happened to him that Dean did not know about, but still was Dean´s fault? But most of all, he was worried that Cas would not show at all. Maybe he left again. Maybe these years made him realize he was better off without Dean and he had left as soon as Dean stepped out the door. Or maybe he was still at Salus, but he would not come anyway, choosing to ignore Dean. Which was just what he deserved to be honest, but it made his stomach tie into knots anyway.

But when it was finally breakfast time and Dean walked out of his room, Cas stood there waiting for him. Dean let out a quiet relieved breath, and at the same time the knots turned to butterflies. Cas waited for him to walk down the stairs and then turned so he and Dean walked side by side towards the dining hall. "How was your night?" Cas asked.

"Slept like a baby once I managed to fall asleep. But it took a while."

Cas nodded, "For me too." No more was said as they approached the breakfast line. Dean and Cas both served themselves porridge, bread and butter. As they turned towards the tables, Dean felt like in the movies when the new kid in school doesn´t know where to sit. But Cas seemed to know so he followed him to an empty table in one of the corners. They sat down facing each other and started eating under silence. As Dean tasted the porridge (not bad he must say) he glanced at Cas. There was still so much he wanted to ask but he did not know where to start.

"So, Cas. Ehhhh… How are you?" Dean asked awkwardly.

Cas finished his bite before he answered, "I am good, Dean." Dean waited to see if Cas would continue. "Do you want the whole story?"

"If you want to tell me, yes."

And Cas did. He talked all though breakfast, and after they sit on the stairs of Cas´ house and he keeps on talking. Dean gets to hear about where he has been, who he has met. He hears about his injury, the people he saved, and about how he met Isa and her dad, and what he has been doing since they came to Salus.

"Speaking of that, I need to go. I have class soon." Cas stood up and Dean followed. "I´m going to have lunch with Isa today, but maybe we can all meet for dinner time? I want to hear what you and everyone at camp have been up to as well."

"Yeah, sure thing. I´ll see you then." Dean watched Cas walk away, feeling a bit disappointed, he would have loved to spend more time with him. He is already looking forward to dinner. But maybe a break was good, it gave him time to process everything Cas had told him. As he feared, Cas had been hurt and lonely. But only at times, he had also made friends and his life had not been all bad. Especially not since meeting Isa and Magnus. For that Dean was glad, even if he also still felt very guilty.

He spent the rest of the day walking around, familiarizing himself with the new camp and making sure everyone from his old camp was okay, which they all were. Most seemed to have taken a liking to Salus right away, others were still hesitant but admitted it seemed like a good place. Dean had to agree with them. As dinner came near he walked with Kate, Kim, Lilja (carrying Nova) and Luke towards the dining hall, he spotted Cas and Isa at the same time as they saw him. Cas greeted everyone with hugs, and introduced Isa to them, and got to meet Nova. Together they sat down to eat, Dean took a seat next to Cas.

Throughout the meal Dean did not say much, he suddenly felt a little overwhelmed. Here he sat, next to Cas, with everyone from the camp safe and cared for. He had forgotten the feeling of having nothing to worry about. Sure, he still did not know exactly where he stood with Cas. And the world was still not great. But it was on the mend, and hopefully so was his relationship with Cas. Later, Dean found himself in Cas´ kitchen again. Isa was with Lilja and Luke, they all seemed to have made great friends already. Dean also found himself liking Isa right away. He would have either way, because of what she meant to Cas, but she was likable and easy going so it wasn't hard too.

This time in the kitchen it was he who told Cas about everything that had happened the last five years. He told him about how he went searching for Cas as soon as he realized he was gone. About how the continued searching until it took over and he had to turn his focus back on the camp, but that he never stopped hoping he would find Cas again somehow. He talked about how life had been much the same for the camp, until the garden started dying. And how it had finally made them decide to come to Salus.

"And I am so happy now that we did, otherwise we might never have met again," Dean finished with.

Cas nodded, "So am I."

Dean looked at Cas to see if he really meant it, looked like he did. "Cas, I don´t wanna ask so soon, but I just need to. Do you think we could be friends again? That you can someday forgive me?"

Cas smiled at him, "Dean, I have already forgiven you," he said softly. "There isn´t much to forgive. You were hurting and yes, you should not have said what you did, but I should not have been so rash and left right away. What´s done is done, and maybe we are better people for it somehow. Either way it´s in the past, and except during my history lessons I would like to live in the present."

"Thanks, Cas. More than I deserve, but thanks".

 

                                                                                                       **********************************

 

Dean and the rest settles. They end up in different houses, receive different jobs, and even though there will always be a connection between them all since they came from the same camp, they create their own circles of new and old friends. Dean had at first been given a new room in a house where three other guys lived, but Cas had come by and said that he and Isa would be glad if Dean wanted a room in their house instead. Dean had rushed to say yes. He had gotten a job as a mechanic, and had started going through all the cars at Salus, some in desperate need of attention.

In the evening he spent time with Cas and Isa, and sometimes it was only Cas and him. Cas told his stories, but more and more Dean was the one telling stories as well. Usually about him and Sam as kids. It felt easier and easier to talk about Sam, at least with Cas. The hole Sam had left in him was still there, but soothed a bit. As the weeks passed, he and Cas grew close again, and then closer than before. Having lived apart had showed them how important the other one was. Dean never wanted to live apart from Cas again, and Cas felt much happier with Dean in his life.

Weeks turned into months. Cas continued working as a teacher, Dean kept his mechanic job, but also started working on making the electricity more reliable, seemed he had a knack for it. Their free time was spent with friends, both new and old. But many hours were also spent with just Cas and Dean, sometimes in comfortable silence, sometimes filled with hours of talking. And during all those hours, the distance between them slowly decreased, so slow that neither noticed at first. And when they did, Cas reached out for Deans hand. And without a word spoken, they were becoming something more.

 

                                                                                                       **********************************

 

**Five years since Cas and Dean met again**

There is an empty road leading towards a new city. The road seems well used by both tires and feet. The new city grows bigger and bigger each year, buildings now far reaching outside the walls. The gate which used to be closed is now almost always open. Inside the wall there are more buildings. A restaurant, a school, work places. But also more houses, home for the people.

Inside one of these houses three people live. One is a young woman. She is in her room, packing her belongings to move into a house not far from this one. She won't be alone in this new house, a young man is in another home, also packing his things.

Downstairs there are two men who are both sleeping on the couch, the TV on. One of the men is sitting upright with his head falling to the side. His hands are not moving now, but it seems as they did not long ago since they are still in the brown hair of the man sleeping with his head in the other´s lap. They are both smiling in their sleep, content in each other's presence.

The new city is named Salus, which means "safety". And how fitting, since these men have found their safety in each other.

**Author's Note:**

> I have never written fan fiction before but this little story just did not leave my mind for several years so I just decided last summer to write it myself even though I am not a writer. It has been on my computer since then and today I just decided whatever, I´ll post it.  
> I hope you like it.


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